grading and improving one of your task two essays
The original essay
In some countries, owning a home rather than renting one is very important for people.
Why might this be the case?
Do you think this is a positive or a negative situation?
In some countries, many argue that building your own apartment rather than renting it is very essential and significant, because it helps to lift the burden of having to look for house rent to pay the building owner either monthly quarterly or yearly, however if people are not bought financially, they live in rented houses.
Building your own apartment is far more better than renting, it means acquiring your own land to build a befitting structure of your desire, for example, one may decide to building a house which will help to lessen the burden and fear that come with yearly payment of house rent by tenants or occupants of the building, the rest of mind that comes with having your own house to rent is huge, this gives chance to attend other needs that may arise and helps one to focus on them, because shelter is the first need of man.However, renting apartment helps the middle income earners, these are people who earn averagely and this may not be enough to help them on their own house, for instance, living in major cities come with some increase in standard of living, owning apartment may be difficult compared with some other needs that need to be met, it becomes impossible if not difficult for such category of people to get one for themselves with that other needs can be met and one will not suffer for the other.
To conclude, it is a good sign for one to own a house, as it brings relief to your mind being the owner.
Grading this essay
Task response: band 5
The ideas in this essay are quite well developed. There are some good examples and arguments used. The biggest issue here is that the response doesn’t really match the question. The question type here is a ‘two question’ question. What this means is you should try and answer both of the questions given to you. In addition, a lot of this answer is about building a home rather than owning one. Because of this, it can’t get higher than a 5.
Coherence and cohesion: Band 6
The coherence and cohesion in this essay is better than the task response. While the paragraphs are off-topic, they all have a clear point which they stick to. In addition, discourse markers are used well with ‘however’, ‘for instance’ and ‘for example’ all being used appropriately and adding to the flow of the essay.
Lexical resource: Band 5/6
The use of vocabulary in this essay isn’t always perfect. However, it’s clear that the author has made a good effort to extend the range of vocabulary used. I liked language like ‘middle income earners’, ‘acquiring your own land’ and ‘befitting structure’.
Grammatical range and accuracy: Band 4
The grammatical range in this essay causes the most issues of all four categories. Each of the paragraphs in this essay are made up of a single sentence separated by commas. This is a major grammar issue that holds the essay back from getting a higher score. This essay also has a few other issues with grammar. For example, there are a lot of missing ‘a’s and ‘an’s in this essay.
Rewriting this essay
For this rewrite, I’ve kept away from some of the issues the essay has with being off-topic. If I rewrite the essay to make it more on topic, it would be more of a ‘write from scratch’ than a rewrite. Instead, lets take a look at a few grammar mistakes.
Very essential
If something is essential, it means you can’t do without that thing. As a result, something either is or isn’t essential. There aren’t really amounts of essential. Here it would be better to just say ‘essential’ rather than ‘very essential’. The same is true of ‘better. Something either is or isn’t better so you shouldn’t write ‘more better’.’
Changing the topic sentences
I wanted to change the topic sentences to make them more clearly an answer to the two questions in the question. Remember that if you ever have an IELTS question that has two sub-questions, you should use your first body paragraph to answer the first sub-question and your second body paragraph to answer the second.
Adding more cohesion to the conclusion
The last change I want to make is adding a bit more detail to the conclusion. In our article on IELTS conclusions, we describe how you can use your them to recap what your main points were. I’ve added changed the conclusion so that it does this and to make it clear that our conclusion directly results from our arguments.
My version
With these and a few other changes made, the essay now looks like this:
In some countries, many argue that building your own apartment rather than renting is essential, because it helps to lift the burden of having to look for house rent to pay the building owner either monthly quarterly or yearly. This essay argues, first that this is popular because it helps people avoid rent and second, that it this has a detrimental impact because not everyone can afford to buy a home.
One reason people prefer to own a home is that they don’t have to pay rent. For example, one may decide to building a house which will help to lessen the burden and fear that come with yearly payment of house rent by tenants or occupants of the building. The rest of mind that comes with having your own house to rent is huge. This gives chance to attend other needs that may arise and helps one to focus on them, because shelter is the first need of man.
However, this is negative because many people can’t afford to buy a home. These are people who earn an average wage and this may not be enough to help them on their own house. For instance, living in major cities come with some increase in standard of living. Owning apartment may be difficult compared with some other needs that need to be met. It becomes impossible if not difficult for such category of people to get one for themselves with that other needs can be met and one will not suffer for the other.
To conclude, in many countries owning your own home is important because it helps people to avoid rent, but this can be harmful because not everyone can afford to own a home.
