Harpreet’s Essay
Some people believe it is important to pay attention to traditional wisdom while others believe people should embrace new ideas. Compare both sides and give your own opinion.
It is believed by some to consider received wisdom while others argue cuddling to fresh visualisation is better. This essay will explore both these views and support my argument for the latter aspect.
Firstly, people rely upon conventional wisdom, as it is set by experienced personalities. For example, entrepreneurs follow a hierarchy management structure to run their organisations evenly. As a result, no time gets wasted, as everyone knows who holds the power and whom to report when uncalled situations knock at their door. Conversely, if there were no ranking structure in a business, it would be difficult to achieve organisational goals within a given period.
However, I believe that it is better to cling to new creations. In other words, the world is changing by leaps and bounds, so it is mandatory to keep pace with the change. For instance, these days amendments are being done to hierarchy patterns, some companies allowing their employees to have a say in setting goals for an organisation. As a consequence, it is seen that where employees worked independently without being supervised by their seniors, they proved to be more productive for a firm, as they get a sense of self-esteemed and responsible which automatically lead to increase sales.
To conclude, although conventional wisdom brings smoothness at workplaces, I believe that innovations should always be welcomed to fetch job satisfaction and a stress-free environment at a job.
Grading
Task response is all about how you answer the question. This question asks you to look at both sides and give your opinion and Harpreet has done a good job of all of those things. However, the two points could be a bit more specific as this would help them be more developed. Picking a big idea for your topic sentences usually means you won’t be able to give enough detail. It’s better to pick a small idea and describe it completely. I think this essay would get a 6 for task response.
Coherence and cohesion
The second thing you are graded on in the IELTS exam is coherence and cohesion. It looks at how well your essay flows and how well your paragraphs stick together. In this essay, the paragraphs all have a topic, but like I said, it’s quite vague. I do think there are some really good cohesive devices here like
- Firstly,
- For example,
- However,
- As a result,
- Conversely,
In fact, almost every sentence in this essay has one! You don’t need to use one in every sentence but the flow here is really nice. I think this essay would get a six for coherence and cohesion, but it’s very close to a seven.
Lexical resource
Third on our list of grading criteria is lexical resource. Lexis is another word for ‘language’ and this criterion is about how well you use language in your essay. This essay makes a really good effort with its vocabulary use. In fact, sometimes it tries a little too hard. I really liked:
- No time gets wasted
- As everyone knows who holds the power
- Conventional wisdom
- Where employees worked independently without being supervised by their seniors, they proved to be more productive for a firm
However, there are also a few mistakes. Let’s take a look at a few of those here:
- Entrepreneurs follow a hierarchy management structure
- ‘Hierarchy’ is a noun. As it’s describing the management structure, we should say ‘entrepreneurs follow a hierarchical management structure’
- It is mandatory to keep pace with the change
- ‘Mandatory’ is a word we use for things you have to do because of a rule. In this sentence it would be better to say ‘important’ or maybe ‘crucial’.
- It is believed by some to consider received wisdom while others argue cuddling to fresh visualisation is better.
- There’s a myth that using a passive voice like this is better, it’s not. ‘For many,’ is a much better paraphrase here and it’s easier to remember too.
- Amendments are being done to hierarchy patterns
- Amend can be a verb and hierarchy doesn’t need ‘patterns’ after it. You can say ‘Hierarchies are being amended.’
Overall, this is a six or seven for me in lexical resource. There are some mistakes and the examiner might feel like there are too many to give a seven.
Grammatical range and accuracy
The grammar is pretty good here. Harpreet has tried to use complex grammar frequently in the essay For example, if we take a look at this sentence:
As a consequence, it is seen that where employees worked independently without being supervised by their seniors, they proved to be more productive for a firm, as they get a sense of self-esteemed and responsible which automatically lead to increase sales.
This sentence isn’t perfect. I would write something like:
As a consequence, where employees worked without supervision, they proved to be more productive for a firm, as they get a sense of self-esteem and responsibity, leading to increased sales.
Even though there are things to change here, the examiners would likely reward this sentence because it attempts some very complex grammar and does a fairly good job. If Harpreet had just written a simple sentence without mistakes, her score would be lower. I think this is another one which is close between a six and a seven.
Feedback
Overall this is a really good effort. It would score a band six, but Harpreet should be aiming for a band seven. To get there, she’ll need to take a look at her structure, especially when it comes to picking specific topics for her body paragraphs. I think she’s very close to a band seven when it comes to grammar and vocabulary, the main thing will be to get some essay feedback from an experienced tutor to help cut down on mistakes.
If you enjoyed this essay review, the last one I looked at also came close to a seven for similar reasons. You can take a look here.
thanks for reviewing my essay, I will keep in mind the mistakes you pointed out. I would make sure not to repeat them.